I have always wanted to be a video producer on an editor for digital video and cinema, yet as the days go on, and life gets more complex I find myself straying further and further away from that goal. I used to produce multiple videos a week for my YouTube channel and shoot wedding videography and other fun stuff on the side. Now I find myself gainfully employed as a hardware repair technician for a large multi-national corporation.
I should be happy, but I find that the more that I fall in line for what this career path offers me the more I end up loathing myself for losing sight of my goals. I often complain that I do not have time to achieve my goals, I pour all my energy into my full-time job and that seems good enough. Every time I try to break from this I find that it is just easier to not take action fall in line and try and be grateful for what I have.
Now that I am trying to get back in to making videos and doing more interesting content I find that the bar I have set for myself is far too high. I often look at my project and realize that it is not what I envisioned. Is it that I do not have the knowledge to complete the task to my satisfaction or that I simply don’t have the equipment? I find that it is often neither, it tends to be my perfectionist nature that I find spots where I stammer or stutter, or I just don’t like the way that my face looks or the way my voice sounds. Is it possible that I loathe myself so much that I can’t bear the sight or sound of myself? The harder I try the more I get discouraged. I found that I just need to break the cycle, stop focusing on the imperfections and just come to terms with what I can and can’t accomplish. I have been moving forward even with content and ideas that may not be a representation of my best work, but I have shifted my focus to output over activity. Make a video no matter how good or bad it is, and release it, its okay to not be the best its okay to not be perfect every step is a step forward and as I continue to explore my interests and flex my creative muscles I will get stronger.
Moving forward I hope this shift in perspective helps to move me forward.